in which there are infinite possibilities

So that thing I said about posting more destash early last week: what I meant to say was middle of this week, really. I’ve had this pile set aside all week, I just couldn’t get around to snapping pictures; I’d have time, but it would only be in the evening, or I’d have afternoon time, but I’m a tool and my camera battery needed charging, because PREPARATION, SARAH. Hrm. It’s up in the Etsy shop now, although some of it has already been nabbed- you folks are fast, much respect.

You will NOT find this in my destash. EVER.

You will NOT find this in my destash. EVER.

While I’m paring down, a skein of Pigeonroof Studios‘ Silky High Twist in Meteorite did end up joining my stash, though. No shame. It’s really hard to show just how subtly gorgeous this colorway is in real life, but trust me, this stuff just hums color at me, and I’ve set it on the dining room Hoosier until I find the perfect lace pattern for it. I’ve always enjoyed Krista’s dye work, but seriously, this is just unreal. I can’t wait to see what this becomes.

—————-

Things here are strange these last few weeks. Not bad- strange, just unsettling- strange, in a head- tilty, vaguely, maybe- positive sort of way. It’s been a long and frankly pretty dreadful year– hell, it’s been a dreadful two years, if we’re being real with each other, and we’re going to do that, all couple thousand of you and me. There are days when Sam and I can hardly stand it, we have both lost so much together; there are also evenings when we lay in bed, holding hands and whispering that if this is drowning, there’s no one else we’d rather go under with. It is a very, very honest time, which is both brutal and beautiful. I enjoy being emotionally uncomfortable in this way: we are so very raw and bare lately. There is nowhere to hide.

I don’t know where we will wind up, in every possible way that can be interpreted. I am, weirdly, at peace with that, too. In every stage of our lives together, as difficulty has arisen we’ve leaned in, leaned toward each other and learned that extending kindness within and without has gotten us through. We are careful with one another. We make the small efforts. We talk, constantly. He is and has always been my ride- or- die, no holds barred friend and companion, which makes this period simpler to navigate: we don’t know what we are doing, but doing it together feels reassuring. (Like anybody actually does know what they’re doing, anyway: “grown- upping” is and has always been a damned dirty lie.)

And it’s funny: I’m writing this when we’re doing better than we have in a long time. It’s good right now: I like the work I’m doing, things are going well enough for him at his job (okay, he hates it, but the money is fine and he’s doing well, so there’s that), we have bonfires and silly backyard hotdog roasts in the evenings, I’m making things again and he’s begun talking about things that are both surprising and maybe, really exciting. The future is wide open, vague, nebulous, joyful & terrifying in that we could jump any moment now, what will it be sort of way that I remember from my twenties. It’s been a while. I’d chased stability so hard post- Afghanistan, post- I’ve- come- to -some- serious- realizations- and- need- copious- amounts- of- stability, actually, and I’m ready to let some of that control go now. Not that I want my life to get all loopy, obviously, but I don’t think it needs to be quite so… locked in, either.

Anything is possible. We’ve been looking at the infinite possibilities and my glob, I don’t know. It’s like being a teenager again, except this time I have backup. The whole world is waiting: now what? I’ve taken a year to rest and heal and I think I feel almost ready to make a move. I’ve spent the last six months working on this body: resting it, respecting it, feeding it, letting old meds work their way out, stretching and kneading muscles that were locking into place. Outside of muscular pain I feel pretty healthy most of the time, which is goddamned remarkable- and really, forget the muscular pain, that’s so pedestrian for MS, it’s manageable and as crappy as it’s going to sound to anyone not living this life, it’s just natural: for me, this is as good as it gets, and it’s actually super- good. I could probably pick up running again in the fall if I wanted (and I don’t know, I might actually want that).

I’m taking a few CEUs this fall (continuing education units, for those who don’t need to do things like this), learning new skills for what I think might be a Plan. I’m trying to keep myself mobile and aiming for the ability to run my own gigs again, just in case; I don’t have any ideas about moving, but I want to keep myself open, because I know what this feeling can mean, and it’s just a good thing, life- wise. (I am so much happier when I am in charge of myself.) The Plan, though: beginning to have a plan again feels good. I don’t do well when I am without internal direction. While I still have no idea where we are actually headed, or what will happen, I at least have an idea what I’m trying to become, and that’s a start. Aiming to regain self- sufficiency is a good beginning.

—————-

Today’s Great Yarn Giveaway is somewhat related: I’m working with attachment this week, folks, trying to let go of things that aren’t essential. With that in mind, I’m setting free a caked, full- sized skein of Skinny Bugga in Widow Dragonfly. It’s gorgeous, but I don’t have any plans for it and thus, it isn’t necessary. Give it a useful home, lovelies.

Aaaaagh, I'm not good at attachment either some days, but seriously, I like space more than I like stuff.

Aaaaagh, I’m not good at attachment either some days, but seriously, I like space more than I like stuff.

In order to win, riddle me this in the comments: if you were suddenly set free to do… well, pretty much anything you wanted with your adult life, what would you do? I mean it. Things are still in the “reasonable” realm, so no off- the- charts stuff, we aren’t Rockefellers, but if you found yourself in the position where you genuinely had the freedom make a down- to- earth, radical shift, would you- and if so, what would it be? Would you change homes, neighborhoods, cities, states, nations? Jobs, career fields, retire? I’ve already cut off all my hair, so drastic changes in appearance are maybe out for me, but what about you? Shaving one’s head is liberating as HELL, let me tell you.

I’m not looking for advice here- we are on the path we’re on, and I’m really interested to see where it takes us, without outside interference. I am curious about how many other people would consider the things we’re considering, and what they might do in our shoes. How many choose the status quo? How many choose adventure? Let me know down below, and next week- hopefully Tuesday, but Thursday at the latest, I’ll use the RNG and choose a winner. (I really want it to be Tuesday, but I’m also prepping for a trip Up North, so time gets weird.) There are no right or wrong answers! Let’s talk about change.

  One thought on “in which there are infinite possibilities

  1. August 14, 2015 at 5:20 pm

    I would go to pastry school, just for the hell of it.

  2. August 14, 2015 at 5:20 pm

    We just spent a week house sitting in the mountains, and I wrote stories and knitted. If I could do anything, it would be more of that.

  3. Michelle L
    August 14, 2015 at 5:26 pm

    I would move to Portland, Oregon, buy a house there, and do some round the world travel.

  4. Ann Marie
    August 14, 2015 at 5:40 pm

    I would go back to Kenya and work/volunteer with a friend who does Missions work. (I had a chance to visit for three weeks in 2007 and loved it)

  5. August 14, 2015 at 5:46 pm

    Oh my. I AM free, and it took me a long time to realise it. I was trapped for a long time, financially and emotionally, but now that I’m free I’ve been biding my time, making my plan. And it’s a good one! I left home almost twenty years ago, and moved to England. I love it here. I’m torn – I belong to two continents, two hemispheres, even – but my family is in Australia and so my plan is to sell this house, at a time of my choosing, and leave London. I will send my pets to my parents in Australia, and I will take the scenic route home and travel for months. I know where I want to go, and I will take photos and write along the way. And it will be shoestring and magical and I can’t wait 🙂

  6. Jen F
    August 14, 2015 at 5:52 pm

    I would love to travel to places I’ve never been and maybe do volunteer work of some sort while I was there. No more than 6 months any place though, unless I found something I loved to do I want to be loosey-goosey and enjoy my time rather than drag my way through my weeks.

  7. Stormmoon
    August 14, 2015 at 6:04 pm

    The first thing that came to mind is “I would be fearless.” Which sounds sad when I type it out. Maybe not the kind of answer you were looking for, but it’s the truth.

  8. August 14, 2015 at 6:16 pm

    I would go to Disneyland or Disneyworld every year if we had the money. Otherwise more time to actually get my business going and create.

    • August 31, 2015 at 5:32 pm

      Hey, guess who just won some seriously beautiful yarn? I’m pretty sure I have your address, but PM/ email it to my onmytiptoes@gmail address just in case anything has changed. 🙂

  9. Andey
    August 14, 2015 at 6:19 pm

    I’d pack up and move my family to Chicago. Find a house in the suburbs, spend weekends exploring, visiting museums and enjoying life.

  10. Amanda U.
    August 14, 2015 at 6:22 pm

    I think I would move my kids across the world and homeschool them at a primate rescue. I love working with primates and do so now, but to work with them where they belong and need to go back to. That would be wonderful. Also no programs let you take children so it was always a non-option as I already had my son when I realized that it was something I was interested in.

  11. reddirt
    August 14, 2015 at 6:23 pm

    I would like to move to an area that had mountains, diversity, stuff going on…oh and public transit. And a place where you could take easily affordable classes in stuff like weaving or pottery or I dunno…computer building? Just things to stretch my brain in a beautiful setting

  12. August 14, 2015 at 6:37 pm

    I’ve had the mixed luck of making a lot of radical changes already. 7 regional moves (across state boundaries), major job changes, leaving the working world, divorce, tattoos, chopped off feet of hair, going from urban central to rural backwoods, etc. We’re about to make another leap into the unknown, basically changing everything but “us”, and there’s so much possibility for joy in it. It’s hard to imagine all bars removed because health and funds are my holding cell, but whatever it would be would involve food. Culinary school, culinary travel, a food related business, similar.

  13. Susan
    August 14, 2015 at 7:12 pm

    I am on the path already to my life change of new career, new locale. What I want is to free myself of the “I’m too old, it’s too scary” internal commentary that slows my process.

    I keep reminding myself the artist Grandma Moses took up painting at 80 because she wasn’t ready to stop creating. She had been an embroidery artist until her arthritis was so bad she could no longer hold a needle. Lucky for us the paint brush is bigger than a needle. 🙂

  14. August 14, 2015 at 7:12 pm

    I would do the Peace Corps again, as sick as that is considering the first time I did it has given me all the health problems I have now. I loved that every day was an adventure (both good and bad), that every day I was learning and growing. I felt alive down to the marrow in my bones.

  15. modern lopi
    August 14, 2015 at 7:45 pm

    I would move to Ísafjörður and spend the rest of my days knitting with a dog or four on my lap.

  16. August 14, 2015 at 9:01 pm

    I would pack up and move to be closer to my boyfriend if not move in with him, and start my executive-assistant-on-call business. Which I keep saying I *should* do, but never quite do it. Perhaps this time is the push I need to actually do it.

  17. Jody
    August 14, 2015 at 9:46 pm

    I would find a cabin with a screened in 3-season porch on a lake and spend my days in a canoe, doing jigsaw puzzles, knitting and stargazing.

  18. Rachel
    August 14, 2015 at 10:15 pm

    i would leave my job and see if I have what it takes to making a (albeit small) living as an artist. Making enough money to travel some…I’m a homebody at heart but a couple major outdoor adventure trips a year would be fit nicely!

  19. LynneinMD
    August 14, 2015 at 10:21 pm

    If I could take-a-deep-breath-and-jump? I’d ditch the safe, corporate-y, keep-the-access job, and jump with both feet into connecting people with their family and community history, I have so many ideas and so much to learn! Part two? Learn to stop saying yes to volunteer projects unless the activity is something exciting to me or mine. And three? A stamp on every page of my just-renewed passport. 🙂

  20. ikkinlala
    August 15, 2015 at 3:03 am

    I don’t think I would make any radical changes right now. I’d like to work a bit less, but other than that I’m pretty happy and at this point I’m just not sure yet about what direction I’d most like to go.

  21. August 15, 2015 at 9:10 am

    I’d pack up and move to Colorado. I fell in love with the place, but with only one aging parent left, leaving feels impossible.

  22. Stephanie
    August 15, 2015 at 9:38 am

    I would hire a professional organizer so I could unclutter and be accountable to someone to stay uncluttered.

  23. asteride
    August 15, 2015 at 10:32 am

    I would go to Iceland. Always been attracted by that kind of wild nature. I’m a coastal type, usually calm but quite adventurous. I would love to hike there and just enjoy the great view. Is a great land for yarn and knitting and inspiration too.

  24. Gail Rector
    August 15, 2015 at 1:27 pm

    I would get a truck. My 99 Toyota Corolla (almost 200,000 faithful miles on it, change that oil) well she looks kinda funny with the bale of straw hanging out of the trunk… Not that I cared and the nice boy (yeah I’m 66, they all look like boys) loaded it. Getting it out and around my house to Henmahal/Cluckingham Palace, where my dozen Dark Brahma ladies reside was the hard part… OK so maybe I’d hire a ranchhand to drive that truck too.

  25. Tan
    August 15, 2015 at 2:16 pm

    I feel like that’s how I do my life–I think, what would I do if I could do anything? And then I do it. It’s kind of an ADHD way to live, and it has only worked because my husband has always had a good job that he likes and that has supported us on one income. At one point I decided I wanted to write and see my name in print. I wasn’t getting anywhere with fiction so I wrote for computer magazines for a while. Then I decided to get a history degree. Then I decided to work at a yarn shop. Then I decided to become a composer. Then I decided to become an organist. I have stayed with that for a while and am on my second degree in organ performance. I had a gig as a church organist for about a year. I feel like being an organist might be where I have landed for good at age 63; but I did just buy a shakuhachi . . .

  26. Mamased
    August 15, 2015 at 5:37 pm

    this question has me really thinking. In part, because this is the point where I am: just retired, widowed, kids off getting educated. The kids need me “in the background,” but not everyday. I think what appeals to me most is one of the Woman Tours long distance bicycle trips—like across the lower U.S. Or, better yet, talk them into doing a long bike trip in another (flat) country. I’d meet interesting people and get stronger!

  27. August 15, 2015 at 9:42 pm

    Adapt and Overcome. This is how we roll here at Chez Corgi. I actually have dreams right now and they include moving. Again. After we just did it across country three years ago. We’re going to head even further west to a place that’s cooler (heat slays me) and where Wes can garden with a LOT less effort. Our dreams include writing/cartooning together, we need to learn some skills and are working on this. Mine include a blog again, perhaps two, with my love of the art and fiber world and my love of the cooking world. I want to write articles and have people read them. I have things to say. I’m working on learning some new skill sets and recovering from two medications that tried to kill me but hopefully in 2016 I’ll start DOING things.

    I very much want to change some things about my life that include different treatments, different medications and to do that, well, moving is necessary. Wes is reading Botany texts because he supports me like the best husband ever.

    Mostly all my dreams are with my husband of nearly 26 years and continuing our journey together as we adapt to the ever changing world we live in.

  28. Jenny
    August 16, 2015 at 7:17 am

    I would buy a house out in the middle of nowhere and write and knit all day.

  29. August 17, 2015 at 2:43 am

    If I could make one change, it would be that I would be in a position where I am self-sufficient financially, and comfortable. I’m autistic, so I need some sort of support/help to survive, and generally we exist somewhere in/below the poverty area. I would love to just have my own happy family, and exist, without too much interference from society

  30. Linda
    August 17, 2015 at 4:46 pm

    I would sell/throw away/give away all the clutter my husband and I have accumulated in our long marriage, sell our house and take a train trip across Canada from BC to the Maritimes, then buy a house with a porch and a pier, on a lake in Canada. We’d sit together on that porch, with the dogs and my knitting and be grateful for every single day.

  31. rainbowgoblin
    August 17, 2015 at 10:14 pm

    I would buy a sailboat and commit to a big sailing voyage: possibly Auckland to southern Argentina (Tierra del Fuego?) then up the coast to Canada. I have two very young kids, and I don’t know how to sail, so this would probably never happen, but it’s fun to dream!

  32. Marie
    August 18, 2015 at 10:20 pm

    I would leave my stressful job, my no-longer-satisfying professional field, and the suburbs, and take up residence at the beach with my cats and my yarn and my books.

  33. August 23, 2015 at 5:39 am

    I would like a nice, big suburban house with lots of yard space for the kids and get some pets. Also, I would love a full-time help for housework so I get some free time for my hobbies. I would buy a lot of yarn too. Also, I would like to return to my medical career and run a free clinic.

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