It’s a rough week. I’m feeling a bit worse than usual, although upright. Most of it isn’t a big deal- tingling, feeling foggy around the edges, fatigue. The auditory hallucinations, though, are a pain in the ass. It’s been a while, and I don’t really remember how to tell the real world from a neurological symptom some times. If I’m not looking at the source of the sound when it happens, I can wind up a little confused- or worse, overwhelmed. It’s really hard to talk to people, especially more than one, when part of my brain is busily trying to figure out the name of that song I can just barely hear, or when it sounds like an enormous crowd is whispering behind me.
It’s got some high points, though.
Last night, for the first time in years, it was loud enough to wake me up; a deep voice that sounded like it was in the hallway, loud, at almost 4 am. I could hear the sound clear as day, but I couldn’t understand the words- which is pretty typical.
I woke up thinking someone was in the house (that’s not the high point), then heard Lilu snoring in the hallway and realized it couldn’t be an intruder- she wasn’t barking. Goddamn, that dog loves to bark at strangers.
The whispers were just kicking in, and I laid back in the dark just listening to it, a luxury I don’t often get. When I don’t have to try and hear the other things in my life, it’s a deliciously creepy sensation- unpredictable and always, always seeming as though if I listen hard enough, long enough, I could tell what is being said. After years of it, it has stopped being scary but never stopped being eerie.
The fatigue I could live without, as I’d like to be running more and waking up earlier, but I’ll keep my lovely Twilight Zone moments in the middle of the night, thank you very much.