in which there are 59 days

59 days. I get a case of the butterflies each time the tens digit in that count goes down. The change from 60- something days to 50- something days isn't really all that large- a matter of 24 hours in this case- but it feels enormous.

As I tick off the days I find I am both more and less patient with the world around me. Far less in my daily life actively annoys me; I'm leaving, after all. I can almost see the end. Who cares if chow isn't that great? 59 days left of it- less, if I incorporate travel time. Who cares if we're undermanned? I'll do the best I can do, but that's all I can do, and there's no use in worrying over it. It's all one giant, joyful shrug.

Conversely, I have a lot less tolerance for other people's crap lately. I'm not interested in politics- that's someone else's game now. I have no interest in cutesy- clever doublespeak, in false intimacies or political moves. I don't have to tolerate spinelessness, emotional incontinence, passive- aggression, whinging or the ducking of personal accountability. I have the freedom to piss people off while getting these last few goals accomplished, and that's unbelievably liberating, but it makes me a lot less motivated to put up with other people's garbage.

I've been taking stock of the changes this tour has brought, about the changes I get to choose to keep or leave when I return to my life in Baltimore. Leaving my current job leaves me free to cut loose a lot of chaff, professionally and personally. I dream about simplifying not only our in- home lifestyle but also every aspect of my life: I think of it as honing, a process of refinement and prioritization based on the simple math of only investing in the things I can see have a solid potential for a return.

Being out of my life- out here, away from home- that has clarified which things are most important to me- people, places, activities, even material things. I know exactly what matters to me right now -and just as importantly, I'm very clear on what doesn't. I have learned to live very happily on a lot less than I have in a very long time; I can't justify waste in my life anymore- wasted goods, wasted money, wasted energy, wasted time.

I look forward to putting things back in their proper places. I look forward to change, to reorganizing,  to tidying. I don't expect it will be easy- so few things worth having are- but the prospect of a cleaner, clearer life is definitely what is keeping me going. Well, that and the food fantasies, of course, but that's an entirely different post. 

  One thought on “in which there are 59 days

  1. mel
    March 5, 2009 at 10:25 am

    Just wanted to say…. thanks for sharing this. I can’t imagine the experiences that you have had and I can only guess at how different they may be from my own. Still, it’s reassuring to hear (read) of someone making similar determinations & choices, no matter the road to get there. A comfort in the commonality of some human responses, I guess. It’s took me so long to figure out what I DON’T want in my life (ironically many of the things I spent a lot of time & energy pursuing), and it will take longer still to remove the last, probably biggest parts of it (the J-O-B & house), but I’m determined, and not a little bit stubborn.

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