59 days. I get a case of the butterflies each time the tens digit in that count goes down. The change from 60- something days to 50- something days isn't really all that large- a matter of 24 hours in this case- but it feels enormous.
As I tick off the days I find I am both more and less patient with the world around me. Far less in my daily life actively annoys me; I'm leaving, after all. I can almost see the end. Who cares if chow isn't that great? 59 days left of it- less, if I incorporate travel time. Who cares if we're undermanned? I'll do the best I can do, but that's all I can do, and there's no use in worrying over it. It's all one giant, joyful shrug.
Conversely, I have a lot less tolerance for other people's crap lately. I'm not interested in politics- that's someone else's game now. I have no interest in cutesy- clever doublespeak, in false intimacies or political moves. I don't have to tolerate spinelessness, emotional incontinence, passive- aggression, whinging or the ducking of personal accountability. I have the freedom to piss people off while getting these last few goals accomplished, and that's unbelievably liberating, but it makes me a lot less motivated to put up with other people's garbage.
I've been taking stock of the changes this tour has brought, about the changes I get to choose to keep or leave when I return to my life in Baltimore. Leaving my current job leaves me free to cut loose a lot of chaff, professionally and personally. I dream about simplifying not only our in- home lifestyle but also every aspect of my life: I think of it as honing, a process of refinement and prioritization based on the simple math of only investing in the things I can see have a solid potential for a return.
Being out of my life- out here, away from home- that has clarified which things are most important to me- people, places, activities, even material things. I know exactly what matters to me right now -and just as importantly, I'm very clear on what doesn't. I have learned to live very happily on a lot less than I have in a very long time; I can't justify waste in my life anymore- wasted goods, wasted money, wasted energy, wasted time.
I look forward to putting things back in their proper places. I look forward to change, to reorganizing, to tidying. I don't expect it will be easy- so few things worth having are- but the prospect of a cleaner, clearer life is definitely what is keeping me going. Well, that and the food fantasies, of course, but that's an entirely different post.