Not to get terribly melodramatic about the thing, but I do feel changed, damn it. This is when I get to cash my chips in for Being Right All Along, yes? I’m ready for that bit. It’s not like this is terribly trying– Bagram is rather the Hilton of deployments, a comfortable and safe sort of Out There- but the experience as I’ve experienced it thus far definitely did something.
I wish I could put my finger on it: I’m stuck with a hodgepodge of mismatched pieces. I know I lost some bit of fear in there. The idea of failure still sucks but I certainly define it differently now- it’s about what I let go of instead of what I hold on to, and getting really specific about that. I care less about Other People’s Shit, and I’m quicker to figure out what that is. I think I’ve got to be totally over any fear of admitting when I don’t know what I’m doing and that I am making this all up on as I go. I’m a lot less stressed out about making it up on the fly, too, but that might be because I tell EVERYONE that’s what’s going on and no one seems very worried. (!!?!) I miss some things that I really didn’t expect to miss, but my priorities get far clearer on all that crap I put on the top of my list that I don’t miss or think about at all. (What was I thinking?)
I’m more comfortable with being conflicted emotionally when making the right decision rationally.
You’d think- okay, I’d think- these would all fall under the category of changes in the work persona. I like my life ordered and compartmentalized, and previous to this it has been pretty easy to achieve; there’s my means, and over there is everything else. Out here, though, how can you tell? My personal life is my professional life is my personal life is etc, etc. There are no lines: everything is everything, and in everything, with no way to pick that from the other.
It feels good, whatever the hell happened. So why do I feel so damned nervous about taking it home this month?